Bipolar Bob’s BLOGs

May 20, 2007

Dreaming

Filed under: Bipolar, Dreams, Family — Bipolar Bob @ 2:51 pm

I have been in a bit of a mixed state lately. Hyperactive and yet still sleepy and at times lethargic. It’s weird but better than being depressed. Here are some disjointed images from a dream I just had while napping:

It started with heated words on my blog, me figuring the subject person would never read what I’d written. Then I find myself stowing away on his yacht, probably because of the woman who was with him. (She seemed to remain in at least the side of the picture, throughout this dream.) I am below in a cabin, and the two of them are right outside the window. I think I have a good place to hide and spy until a couple of friendly cats show put and start in with their routine. She starts to come down below to get a cat and I jump up to meet her half way so that we can talk without him hearing. When she comes around the corner and sees me she quickly draws her gun and my hands go right up. [I don’t like guns, never had. I had a locked and loaded one pointed at me IRL by the cops once and don’t want to repeat that ever again.] We have a brief and quiet what the heck are you doing here conversation. She gives me the nickel plated revolver and instructions to shoot the other guy if there’s a confrontation. I go back to my hiding place and tuck the gun into my shirt. I figure I should be ready so I try to cock the hammer and it makes a noise that he can obviously hear. The hammer won’t lock and makes 3 more loud clicks as it slowly comes back down. The whole time I have my thumb on the hammer I am terrified that I will shoot myself in the arm accidentally.

Now he’s on his way down and the scene shifts to me and her sitting at a table in the galley below decks. He comes storming in and I draw down on him first but fail to shoot. He draws and we are both aiming at each other’s head. [looking down that barrel at his head was so very unnerving and realistic] Frozen and unable to do anything, the standoff continues until someone (now there’s other people around too) says you should read what he’s written about you. She chimes in saying she has some of it with her now. I think she is nuts for giving him access to the blog, and wonder who’s side she is really on now. He is all too anxious to see this and lowers his guard. I know he’s gonna shoot me for what’s been written, but I can’t take preemptive action. She pulls out a greeting card kind of proof sheet. The card takes snip its of my blog and artwork to decorate a holiday card. He doesn’t see the truly offensive parts of the blog and looses interest in me and I become interested more in her and the holiday card. I propose that we become partners in marketing my artwork, and she just chuckles.

Now the boat morphs into a truck, and the guys I’m with are all friends. We are going home from a camping trip or something like that. Ron is driving and we are approaching a USA Space Shuttle on the launching pad. When we are only a few miles away from it the engines start to rumble. Ron, the most interested in the Shuttle, is dying to see, and drives into the weeds on the side of the road while trying to watch out his side window. The guy riding shotgun tries to help steer us back to the road but we come to a grinding halt and straight into a mud wall. The Shuttle never blasts off, at least with the minor car crash , I don’t notice any fireball in the sky. As we all stand around and assess the damage I feel the strong desire to ‘hug it out’ with Ron, and I begin weeping as we do.
– – – – dream over – – – –

I have been a bit emotional like that lately too. Crying at the sappy movies on cable TV and such. I haven’t see Ron in years, and he seemed a bit like a surrogate father in the last moments of the dream. Strange as my relationship with my actual father is very good, and we both can tell the other that we love them.

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May 17, 2007

I’m back, is anyone listining?

Filed under: Bipolar, med change, Paranoia — Bipolar Bob @ 3:11 am

I stopped writing cause I’ve been playing lots of poker.  Just on-line, play money (thinking about going to the casino on Friday for the nooner tourny) but lots of tournys and ring games in between.  Still playing a lot, but I’m mixing up my hobbies now. 

Surfing the net to new places lately, computer problems still nag (I need a fresh OS), painting in watercolors more often, shopping for my first digital camera, taking a photography class, to name a few. 

 I just seem to have big projects jumping at me.  And then the paranoia kicked in a couple of weeks ago.  I upped my Risperdal and added Trazodone because I wasn’t sleeping enough ( and now I”m up typing this at 3AM [I guess I’m still not out of the woods yet]).  I stopped the Trazodone about a week later and now Risperdal has gone up another 1/2 mg to a total of 2.5 mg per day.  Depakote still at 1500mg daily. 

March 28, 2007

Mood Crash seems to loom

Filed under: Bipolar, Poker, Uncategorized — Bipolar Bob @ 12:06 am

Even though I’m getting lots of stuff done everyday, but it takes so much out of me. I go out and run one or two errands, and I have to come home and have a nap. I still get in a couple of hours of poker everyday too. I have been playing tournaments at Absolute Poker and Party Poker and even won a Friday night 4000 seat play money game at PP. I have made the final table, by folding like a madman a few times in the last year, but this is the first time I had a handle on my tables and the chips to do the work. 4 hours 10 minutes of hard playing for something like 30,000 play chips that could be easily won in a single had in the ring games I usually play on PP.

 

I’m rambling. Which brings me to…. I haven’t been posting. I think this is an indicator of eminent mood change too. I have been playing on line poker until I drop and flop in my bed. Late at night is the hour I have mostly used to write these posts. I often time edit times of postings so there are many more that were done after 2 AM. Anyway, things seems good, I’m keeping busy, and taking care of business.

March 7, 2007

Pretty balanced at the moment

Filed under: Bipolar, Family — Bipolar Bob @ 6:19 pm

So I was visiting with my Uncle the last couple of days. I didn’t get to meet any of his friends in the 3 days I spent with him, but he says that he has two different weekdaily groups that he meets with on a regular basis. It was very restful to be away from my standard routine, and I felt zero stress the entire time. Even the traffic jams on the over 2 hour drive each way didn’t faze me in the least. I even had to pull over to extinguish an ashtray fire, but although anxious until I had the water to put it out, once it was out, I was back on the road a few minutes later. The only delusional moment I had was when I thought that the delusions were absent because I was away from the local radio transmitters that mess with my head. So all in all my mood had been pretty level, and things seem to be going just great lately.

March 1, 2007

Open House

Filed under: Bipolar, Friends — Bipolar Bob @ 6:05 pm

 

The Edmund Edelman Community Mental Health Center in West LA had a 10th anniversary open house. I have been seeing a Pdoc there for about 3 years. I just joined the art therapy group this Monday ( I went once last year, and didn’t want to add it to my schedule back then) and they asked if I had any artwork I wanted in the art show at the open house. I picked the perfect Monday to go back because I have some watercolors from years ago that I am very proud of. I don’t think that I would have won best of show, (as if it was a contest) but I’m sure that I was easily a close #2. Now that I think about it, there were a couple of other pieces that were of a high quality too. My problem is I’m too much of a realist, in my artistic renditions. I do watercolors, but I will work and re-work one little section of a piece for hours till it at least resembles the photo that I am working from. I need to loosen up with my work, it sure looks like it will paint faster. Part of me just doesn’t want to burn through that much paper, even though I have a bunch of good blank paper from when I painted years ago.  It’s just not cheap stuff. (sorry i wondered a bit there, back to the open house)

 

I got there too late to see the client theater group’s performance, but I heard good things about it. They had food and drinks, and a bunch of deserts. They had some music by clients too. I heard the namesake of the center Ed Edelman, former Los Angeles County Supervisor, speak about his thoughts when creating this center, and how his hopes have been exceeded. He also was given a collage done by the art therapy group. There were three collages given out and they all looked great.

 

Guest speaker Elyn Saks gave a great introduction and talk about her up coming book “The Center Cannot Hold: My Journey Through Madness”. She is an associate dean and professor of law at USC and has had a hard fight with schizophrenia most of her life. I was very impressed by her talk but a good friend of mine, Ned, was very disappointed. He had heard her talk before about chronic depression, but I guess that she just came out as a schizophrenic recently. Since Ned has unipolar depression, he really wanted to hear more of her story, and right out of the box she says that she is schizophrenic. I bet he wanted to stand up and leave right then. Her story had similarity to mine, although her condition sounded much more harsh than my own, so I was very interested. The bottom line of her talk was, talk therapy got her through life, up to 4 and 5 times a week at times. She knows the myriad of pills do much of the work, but there is no substitute for support that you can get from quality individual therapy. She also read a few excerpts from her book. Some of the delusions she talked about sounded familiar, and some she just lost me. She took questions from the group assembled, but after 3 or 4 I got up and walked out as I was dying for a cigarette. I was tired, so I beat the rush to the elevator, and headed for home.

 I was stressed a bit shortly after I got there.  Once I had done the circuit around the artwork twice  I headed up stairs by the food.  I haden’t seen Ned and I assumed  he had come and gone.  As I felt like I and seen everything I was ready to leave.  He said he wanted to talk to me, but I was outta there.  I had pushed the button for the ultra slow elevators, and a minute later I spot Ned looking at the artwork at the other end of the hall.  That saved me.  He had been in the auditorium watching the theater group.  I am so glad I spoted him when I did.  

February 20, 2007

Still trippin

Filed under: Bipolar, Diary, Friends, Paranoia, Work — Bipolar Bob @ 12:00 am

I’m feeling like I am in control of things again.  It’s the grandiose thing where I believe that my thoughts and minor actions are having drastic results.  And I haven’t even read “The Secret.”   I really dug “What the Bleep Do We Know” but it all seems like stuff that I’ve heard before.   When I start feeling it like I am now, I either think I’m nuts, or Truman Burbank. 

So since I quit my job there has been two hang-ups on my answering machine.  No caller ID but I know it’s my old boss calling.  I really don’t feel like talking to her at all.  I just tired of solving her every problem.  Granted, I have not been at all productive….. no that’s BS.   I have spent a lot of hours playing poker this weekend, but I tried to get my eye’s checked, got a depakote level blood draw, and got my car serviced.  I’m getting a lot of stuff done.  It use to be I would regret getting home and seeing a message on my answering machine cause it was always her, and she always needed something right away.  I have to take some of the credit for that …. no one want’s to call me.  I have very few friends and I have lost a good one this whole mess.  I felt unappreciated, and then insulted, I had to draw the line and make the cut. 

February 16, 2007

I quit my job.

Filed under: Bipolar, Friends — Bipolar Bob @ 10:49 am

So I gave my boss a bill for services rendered the other day. Granted that there was one line item that was a suprise to her, but I think that my assumption was more fair than her’s regarding it, but I felt offended personally by her reaction. I was so upset (heart pounding, chest heaving) I could not discuss her transgression. The major part of her defense was the manic viewpoints of her ex boyfriend. The one that I defended her from when he was threatning her life. She also questined my integrity as a friend. This after I help her every time she has the slightest difficulty since she locked him out about a year ago. I’m sure that she thinks it’s a manic move on my part, but she is so wrong if that’s what she actually thinks. I do feel the slilghtest bit sorry at times, as we were good friends for over 10 years, but all that I can see right now is all the taking she has done from me in the last year.

I now need a new job. Does anyone out there know a “REAL” way to make money on the internet without committing fraud or anything illegal or scummy like email fishing and spamming?

February 14, 2007

Happy V.D. Everyone

Filed under: Bipolar, Diary, Friends, Rant — Bipolar Bob @ 12:34 pm

Yesterday I went through hell. My friend wanted me to take her to go buy a used car with her. Last time I was her beard for car shopping she gave me 20 bucks. I naturally assumed we were gonna do something similar this time. When we finally sit down with the salesman (and he gives us a moment alone) she says something to the effect that I’m doing this out of the goodness of my heart. I get a knot in my stomach right then. Now not only do I have to deal with the a– hole car salesmen, but now I’m doing it for free. Four hours into the deal they jack the price back up $2000 for an extended warranty that they had previously said was included in the purchase price. She gets mad and says let’s walk. I play the part to it’s fullest and start tossing the f-word around. It’s wasn’t much of an act cause I was tired of the whole situation. I walk out and she doesn’t follow. 2 minutes later the salesman comes out to my car to get me to come back in and I tell him to go to hell. 2 minutes after that, here comes his manager. I have the radio blasting Tom Petty’s “ I won’t stand down.” and I just wave him off. He wants me to turn down the radio, and I start screaming again. He gets the point and walks away. CAR SALESMEN ARE SCUM OF THE EARTH! My friend did her share to piss me off too. At least she had the good sense not to say a word on the drive home. When she calls me today and asks for another ride to the dealership to take delivery of the car, she is gonna get an ear full, and I am not going to do it under any circumstances. I’m gonna ask for 50 bucks for what she put me through yesterday, if she declines, or offers less, I’ll take it, but that will be the LAST time I do anything for her.

After I dropped her off I was trembling and shaking for about 2 hours because it all got me so upset. I’m steaming and make up an invoice for her for all the stuff that I have done for her in the last two weeks. If she balks or haggles with me much at all, I’m gonna tell her off big time. And then ask that she looses my phone number as all she does is call to ask for favors. I have had enough!

Well now it’s the morning after and I have cooled down a bit. Writing this has helped slightly, but if I get any back talk, I still want to cut her off.

February 10, 2007

Get adequate and regular sleep.

Filed under: Bipolar, Tip — Bipolar Bob @ 10:07 pm

Set and keep a regular sleep schedule. Changes in sleep patterns can be an easy way to spot mood changes before they get out of control. If changes continue more than 2 or 3 days then you should contact your therapist or psychiatrist that day.

Give a support group or two an honest try.

Filed under: Bipolar, Tip — Bipolar Bob @ 10:06 pm

I think that going to a support group (Thanks Dad) was the single best thing I did to pro actively effect my recovery, other than taking my meds diligently as prescribed. I got lucky as the first group I attended had a well developed and established group of regular members and a solid group of facilitators.

I think that for a weekly support group 4 or 6 consecutive sessions would constitute an honest try. For me it takes some time to acclimate to a new group of people and feel comfortable and to contribute to the best of my ability, so it took a bit longer for me.

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